your heart is like the night
by fabricated fantasies
Summary: You have awaited your death for nineteen years, since you set another's into motion. /Rabastan and James reconnect and remember. M&MWP, part one of 'futility'.


**a/n **for mew and mor's weird pairing competition, so credit for the pairings go to them. This will be a collection of fics, posted separately, each concerning one a different couple or character during or after a war, and the effect it has on them.

* * *

_title: _your heart is like the night

_summary: _You have awaited your death for nineteen years, since you set another's into motion.

_pairing: _Rabastan Lestrange/James Potter, slight Rabastan/James/Lily Potter

_style: _freeverse

_notes: _part one of the "futility" series.

* * *

_**(**_ this is _war_._** )**_

.

there's a little girl on the ground

her heart is still

her eyes are blank

her skin is dark

dark like your sister-in-law's soul

dark like the tea you drank by the litre

dark like the pair of eyes you dream about

lifeless like your heart has been

(seventeen years, it whispers

poisonous as the snake engraved upon your arm)

there is a little girl on the ground

_she did not deserve to die_

.

**( **not like you **)**

(you have awaited your death for nineteen years

since you set another's into motion)

.

"_tabescet!_"

you are melting

your insides ripped out

you are burning from your core

(so this is what vengeance feels like)

_you deserve it_

.

you close your eyes

and it's almost like you can breathe again

seventeen years worth of breath

healing the holes in your heart that you put there yourself

in your cowardice

your pain

your inability to let the dead die

_and then you open your eyes and the world is grey_

.

the doors look the same

you know what they mean

_choices_

choices you never got to make

**{** or maybe you did

and you wasted them **}**

you can't choose between them

"indecisive," a voice whispers in your mind

and it sounds like your not-blood sister

_you are weak_

.

"are you just going to stand there all day?"

you have missed this voice

craved it

grieved its loss

"well?" he asks

and you bind your hands together with his

_[ _all is forgiven _]_

_you have made your choice_

.

_**{**_ he is always your first choice.

unless he isn't _**}**_

.

you look up into his face

hazel eyes

glittering smile

**(i love you, i love you)**

and you remember

.

you remember cold afternoons spent huddled at the back of the library

because who would look for James Potter there?

you remember kisses that set you on fire

burned you to death

destroyed your barriers till your heart seized up

and you swore you would never kiss him again

- until you did -

because it's too hard to let things go

_and you were too selfish to try_

_._

you remember sitting in the stands

watching him fly

catching his smiles with both hands

and never letting go

_[ _why should you?

his smiles were always yours, anyway _]_

.

you remember whispers

your frosty breath piercing the air as you cling to him

this may be your last moment

**( **you don't want to give him up

b u t

_family means everything _

you don't have a choice **)**

"my brother's joining the dark lord."

"and you?"

"will you still love me if I do?"

"forever."

.

you remember burning

_wand tip to flesh_

soul to soul

an imprint that would scar you for life

(a snake that slithered into your life and refused to let you breathe)

your body marked

your soul splintered

your heart destroyed until

until

until -

.

"serve me well."

you have no choice

"forever, my lord."

and so it begins

_**(**_ you have no choice _**)**_

.

"Lestrange."

"yes, my lord?"

"you will lead the attack on the order's headquarters. do not fail me."

you won't fail

of course you won't

with your new sister's eyes piercing into your back

sharper than a knife

sharper than her poisoned words that lead you to this

(she lead your brother

and you followed)

.

"i will kill a prophecy child tonight."

- applause -

of course they applaud him

the greatest of them all

**the dark lord**

(of course they applaud - they, like you, do not have a choice)

but you are dying

_**[**_you have heard of the prophecy child

- only in whispers -

but nonetheless hearing

until Severus Snape ambushes you in a corridor and says

"the Potters."

and you know you are lost _**]**_

.

"are you certain, my lord? should not one of us kill the boy? he is not worthy of you."

the words kill you to say

stab you in the heart and choke you with your thoughts

Harry Potter is half of James

**(i love you, i love you)**

and he is worth the world

"_i_ will kill the boy."

_and the world ends_

.

you regret many things

but not dying in the attempt to warn James -

**{** and Lily, always Lily

for Severus warned you because he thought you loved one

and he the other

and maybe between you there was a chance to save them both** }**

- not dying in the attempt to warn James is at the top of the list

.

"can we go?" he says

he is impatient

he has not changed

**( **unlike you

with your taken lives branded into your skin** )**

"go where?"

"home of course," he says

easy as breathing

though breathing has never been easy for you

"Lily is waiting."

_you smile_

**{** long red hair dancing in the breeze

her toes bare against your heated skin

his mouth on your neck

her laugh

his eyes

_home_ **}**

"let's go home."

.

and maybe Snape was wrong about you loving one

but not the other

you couldn't save them

you couldn't make a choice between them

though you loved him first and most and best

he loved her first

and she loved you

you couldn't bring yourself to choose

_(_ "indecisive," Bellatrix says

and you wish again that you had chosen_ )_

you loved him first and best and most

but you love them both

twin fires

burning you to death

forcing you to live

to breathe

"love me," you say

"forever."

"forever."

twin fires

burning as one

"_forever."_

.

_**(**_ _you smile__**)**_

**you have found a new beginning in your ending**

* * *

**a/n **Please review, and let me know your thoughts! I haven't written a freeverse in a long time, so I'm a bit nervous about this one.


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